Ah, Valentine’s Day – those magical 24 hours dedicated to flowers, fancy dinners, and f…orming a stronger bond with the future love of your life.

If you find yourself lucky enough to have already snagged someone special and permanent on this big day, then congrats to you! Surely you are the chosen one.

However, if you only have a meagre date for this Valentine’s Day (boo, you suck), and you want to keep that date for the following V Day, then I highly suggest that you follow our neat lil’ guide. Here’s to not getting left on read yet again.

Step 1: First impressions are EVERYTHING

They say first impressions are everything, and on Valentine’s Day you’re going to want your first impression to SCREAM that you’re a legend. Because you know what legends get? DMs to their Instagram stories (or at the very least that fire emoji react).

As such, I’m going to recommend that you dress like the king/ queen/ kwing you are and ransack your wardrobe to find something that a) you look sick in, and b) you feel comfortable in. Oh, and also c) something that you’re happy getting torn off of your body in a sexy rampage.

Be sure to consider the venue and setting of your date. If you’re visiting Otherworld in Victoria and are preparing to immerse yourself in a VR journey that can be pretty much whatever you want it to be, maybe dress like an astronaut or a space cowboy of some sort. If you’re going to a funky video gaming bar like Platform in Canary Wharf (win their heart by beating their ass at Mario Kart) then you’re probably going to want to wear those funky khakis that everyone suddenly seems to own.

Otherworld, Victoria

Platform, Canary Wharf

And if you’re Netflix and Chilling, then well, consider whether or not you’re ready for a situationship. Because who are we kidding, this is totally situationship behaviour.

Step 2: Cook for them

But luckily, you won’t need to worry about the whole situationship thing (and believe me, that should be worrying you) if you just invite your date over and cook for them. After all, don’t they say that the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach?

First impressions are especially important if your date is to come to your house (you’ll have to wash the dishes etc etc etc), but you could also cook for them and have a little park picnic. Honestly, anything that involves you crafting something with love and sharing it with your future lover is bound to go down well.

If you can check with your date beforehand to find out what foods they do and do not like, then you can show off just how much you listen to and appreciate them by perfecting their favourite dish. Personally, I’m intolerant to onion (wild, I know), and whenever someone pays attention to this, I swear I tear up a little. So take it from me — this one works.

I recently had someone invite me over for a dinner date and when I asked what we’d be eating, she replied, ‘vegan mac-and-cheese for main, and you for dessert’. From personal experience I can tell you that this line has a 100% success rate, so I highly recommend that you re-use it.

Step 3: Banter banter banter

This is your opportunity to talk about the deep stuff in life with your Valentine’s date — and believe me, once you’ve shared childhood traumas, hopes and dreams, and vague memories of phantom-related sightings, there’s no going back. Suddenly bam, you have become soulmates and there’s no chance that they’ll even consider ghosting you (do you see what I did there? Like with the phantom bit? Man, what a solid piece of writing you’re reading).

Sprinkle in some banter, add a dollop of some wonderful meaningful eye contact (more on this later), and without even realising it, there’s a trail of saliva slugging its way from your mouth to theirs. And who said romance was dead?

Step 4: Use your words

Obviously you’ve already got this one nailed (see, it’s easy), but I think we should do a little recap just in case.

In this step, you’re going to want to use your words to make the other person feel good. Now, I’m not entirely sure what a ‘bunda’ is, but that’s probably something you’re going to want to compliment. Or if they have big, strong arms, gorgeous brown eyes, a nose carved by Michelangelo himself… Bloody hell, am I salivating?

A golden piece of advice for this one is that you should absolutely use this opportunity to compare hand sizes. I’m not sure why this works, but having tried it on more people than I’d like to admit (for research, cough cough), I can confirm that it absolutely does.

But beware, don’t just focus on noting the physical aspects of your betrothed! Instead, make sure that you use those words we all know and love to point out their intelligence, sense of humour, love for animals, funky accent, or even street smarts (I said what I said). Just make sure that you’re genuine in what you say, and you should be good.

Step 5: Look into those big, gorgeous brown eyes (no, you’re obsessed with your ex, not me 👀)

The eyes, they say, are the windows to the soul. And once you’ve got their soul, well, what else do you need?

Use this magical public speaking technique to show interest, connection, and a shared sense of intimacy. In doing research for this article I watched a video on Marilyn Monroe utilising something called the Triangle Method. Within this, you simply look from your date’s left eye, to their mouth, and then back up to their right eye. It probably helps if you’re a worldwide adored doe-eyed blonde Monroe, but it might help you, too, Stuart.

For this one I’d just like to drop a word of caution about just how long you’re smouldering at your date for — you want to be able to maintain strong, confident eye contact without appearing entirely creepy. Like, blink every now and then, you know?

Step 6: The Grand Finale

Alexa, play Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye.

Kidding! (I’m totally not kidding.)

All you have to do now is end the date on a high note (personally, I like the note A7), leaving behind nothing but memorable moments, a plan for your next date, and perhaps a sock slung over the door handle.

Resist the urge to overstay your welcome (personally, I’ve found that six weeks is the limit… if only I were kidding) and instead, end the date with a heartfelt compliment, a cheeky tidbit here and there (can you tell they hired a British writer?), and ideally, a new loyal Instagram follower.

If possible — and if you’re not already tucked up in their sheets — make sure that you help them safely get home from wherever you are, and text within the next 24 hours. Ignore the common census of waiting at least a day to text back — in my experience, you should strike whilst the iron’s still hot. And speaking of, why not have your next date together include having them salivate over a beach BBQ at Neverland?

Neverland, Fulham

And just like that, easy peasy, you’ve locked in a soulmate. Go you!